Why do we so often rely on behaviours which frustrate, upset, or confuse us? While there could be a number of potential answers to that question, it’s possible that there are common behaviours we rely on in order to avoid or escape from uncomfortable feelings, sensations or situations.

Fear, loneliness, uncertainty, disgust, guilt… these are some of the feelings which can be difficult to to sit with, and we may try our very best to avoid. When these types of challenging feelings arise it’s common to reach for a behaviour or strategy we think we could use to momentarily lessen the feeling, even if we know that the behaviour isn’t helpful, and could be creating other problems.

So what’s the urge?

In the context of ‘Urge Surfing’ (a practice which comes from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), an urge is a strong feeling or desire, which often results in us being driven toward specific behaviours. Urges can arise suddenly and can feel quite overwhelming as they rise and peak, and can cause us to feel that the only way the strong feelings will resolve is by using the behaviour we might otherwise be trying to avoid.

Because of the habits we develop over time, we come to expect that the only way to resolve our uncomfortable urges is to give in to the behaviours we have used in the past, and to continue to repeat familiar patterns. Over time this creates a feedback loop where we experience an uncomfortable feeling - which we then have the urge to avoid or escape from - then driving us to repeat certain habitual behaviours - which may resolve the discomfit or distress - resulting in us believing that we need to rely on those same behaviours in order to cope with uncomfortable emotions or urges - behaviours which can in time create problems of their own.

An example this could be someone who uses very strong forms of exercise in order to avoid certain emotions. While exercise is generally considered to be a healthy activity, the reliance on it as a way to cope with or avoid emotion can drive some people to to over-use exercise, potentially over-training and creating injury or illness as a result, and also resulting in the emotions not being processed or understood.

While these habitual feedback loops are very powerful, it is possible to change our responses to our urges, to create new responses which allows our brain to learn that we don’t have to rely on the unwanted behaviour to manage our urges and strong feelings.

Why are we talking about waves?

Just like a wave, there are different phases to an urge. It’s useful to understand how our urges are triggered, then how they rise and peak, before then falling away.

The trigger – something initiates an uncomfortable feeling, resulting in the thought that we need a particular behaviour in order to reduce the discomfort
The build-up - the urge to use that behaviour begins to rise, becoming more and more intense
The peak - when the urge is at its most intense, it’s hard to think about anything else. At this point it feels like the urge will never go away unless we use the very behaviour we’re are trying to avoid
The fall – during this phase the urge slowly lessens and fades over time until we can return to focus on other activities and tasks

How can we learn to ride the wave?

By learning to ride out the different phases of an urge without relying on a problematic behaviour we can develop coping strategies which are less harmful, and more helpful and empowering.

Become aware - notice the feelings and situations that are linked to our urges, be curious about these
Remind yourself that urges are temporary – hold on to the knowledge that urges will not last forever, they will pass, and you don’t have to act on those urges
Set up a plan – it can be helpful to plan some strategies to use to distract, relax, or change your physiology whilst the urge passes
Learn to self-soothe - develop strategies to use while the waves are rolling through

What can we do to allow the wave to pass?

It’s important to understand the ‘wave-like’ nature of the urge, recognising that these waves doesn’t go on and on, but they peak then fall away - our challenge is to learn how to take care of ourselves while the wave passes. Here are some examples of some things to try:

Take a few moments to focus on your breathing, feel your feet on the floor, sitting bones on the chair, notice the sounds around you
Utilise distraction methods while the waves are passing - watch a video on your phone, have a conversation, make a cup of tea, etc.
Do an activity which is incompatible with the unhelpful behaviour - knitting, completing a puzzle, etc.
Journal about your thoughts and feelings, write some encouraging or reassuring statements
Call a supportive friend or family member and talk it through
If the urges are very strong and overwhelming, discuss them with a therapist who can help your develop more helpful coping strategies

By practising urge surfing our brain has the opportunity to learn that we don’t have to give in to our urges, instead we can learn to allow them to pass. It is however important to practice self-compassion when we’re working on this, and to not expect perfection while we’re working on change… small and regular steps toward change are always the most effective and the most sustainable.